Queen Jokes / Recent Jokes
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Popeout of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can makeevery English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her.
Gentlemen:I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left more...
Three men were waiting outside a pub for it to open so they could have drink when a policeman came upto them and asked why they were waiting there. The men told him they were waiting for it to open and he told them that the new owners couldn't open it till they had thought of name and suggested they thought of a name for it and when they had they came back and told the new owners.
So the three men went away to think of a name for the pub and came back the next day with their suggestions. The first said to the owner, what about the Queen's head? but the owner said, no, too grown up, and the second one suggested the Queen's arms? but the owner didn't like that one either, so the third one said, well what about the queen's legs? And the owner like it, so he decided to name his pub the Queen's legs.
The next day, the same three men were waiting outside the pub for it to open and the same policeman came up to them and again asked them why they were waiting and one more...
This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be played by Pauly Shore.
Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" involves employing your gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man.
The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM. You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ.
Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy.
Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate millions of chess moves per minute. You: lauded by fraternity buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously.
You can't make a single move without thinking of huge juicy shrimp.
In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your trailer with an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon.
Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this particular opponent.
Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns to wipe out their own king and queen.
Kasparov's idol: Bobby more...
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.
She takes off her top and says,
"Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. She screams,
"What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene
act, and gets in, and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter,
"But a royal flush beats a pair any day."