HOW TO WIN THE WAR:
Would this be chemical, biological, or psychological warfare?
"PIG SHIT!" That's right: pig shit. They can't be in contact with any pork product and go to "Allah". So what we do is load every tanker plane we have with "PIG SHIT" and spray their whole damned country with it.
Later we come in and flood all their caves with it. That way they will come into contact with a pork product and they won't want to die because they cannot go to Allah. For airline security we put a "Potbelly Pig" at each loading gate and everyone boarding the plane would have to rub its belly and kiss it on the head. Again, they wouldn't want to die because they cannot go to Allah.
To think...a war won with "PIG SHIT".
The head lines in the paper would read:
"AMERICANS WIN WAR WITH PIG SHIT" Nobody Lost in Shittiest Battle ever fought."
A Catholic priest, a Rabbi, and a Methodist minister were discussing sin, and the Methodist asked, "Tell me, guys, have you ever sinned and broken the laws of your religion?"
"I must admit," responded the Rabbi, "I was always very very curious about how pork tastes, so once, just once, I stopped at a bar-be-que restaurant when I was on a vacation and ate a pork sandwich. In fact, it was so delicious, I ate four of them, knowing I'd never have the nerve to sin again like that."
The Catholic joined in, "Well, I had the same curiosity about sex, and that being forbidden, I didn't know which sex would appeal to me more, so I once, while in seminary, had a sixteen-year-old girl and her brother at the same time. I was so overcome with feelings of guilt that I've never done anything like that again. Well, what about you, Pastor Bob?"
The Methodist said, "My besetting sin is GOSSIP, and I just can't wait to tell everybody in town what more...
Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he`s never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, "Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!"
Q: What is green, fury, and smells like pork?
A: Kermitt the Frog's fingers.
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God more...