Plot Jokes

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    Tomato Garden

    Hot 4 years ago

    An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He
    wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was a lot of
    work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent,
    who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote
    a letter to his son and described his predicament.
    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I
    won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm
    just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I
    know if you were here my troubles would be over. I
    know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
    Love, Dad
    A few days later he received a letter from his son.
    Dear Dad,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
    bodies.
    Love, Vinnie
    At 4 a. m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
    police arrived and dug up the entire area without
    finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
    left.
    That same day the old man received another letter more...

    When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
    Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
    Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
    Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
    Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On more...

    British authorities described the terrorist plot as, "Mass murder on an unimaginable scale," while Lebanon's Prime Minister Saniora described it as, "Not so unimaginable."

    10,000 years from now Aliens will land on Earth and ask why no one got there "We're Coming" message. It is discovered that the Aliens had posted it to alt.test and no one saw it. Aliens laugh at SETI at Home idea as akin to reading tea leaves.
    Hello! The SETI project is a scam. It is run by the NSA to use the massed CPU cycles of the first world to break people's PGP passwords via brute force attacks.
    Opps! Sorry, but two years from now the SETI people will announce there was a bug in their software and you'll all have to start over.
    The major American TV networks will launch a similar project in which the world's PC's will be harnessed to cull through archives looking for a plot, or even a punch line, they haven't used eight hundred times before.
    SETI project is revealed to be part of Intel/Microsoft plot to gain access to computers of a segment of the population that traditionally not fallen for the free AOL account trap.
    Well, if if you're looking for more...

    Newsgroups: alt.angst
    Subject: Take me to your leader
    From: Dennis
    UFOs are nothing to worry about
    There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. Well, the only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried last week. Clinton can't even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now.
    Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere.
    Well if these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. I'm not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys more...

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