Picking Jokes / Recent Jokes
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished
studying.
If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
Making your bed is a waste of time.
There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
You work so hard pedalling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
One day, farmer Brown was in town picking up some supplies. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a goose and a couple of chickens. Now, however, he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why not put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Good thinking. Thanks," the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking, he met a lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1725 Willoughby Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1835 Willoughby Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.
The lady replied, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, more...
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of more...
1: "How come you're so succesful with picking up women?"
2: "I'll tell you why. I go into a bar, order a drink, and casually put my car-keys with the Ferrari hanger on the counter. After they see the hanger, you can get any woman you want. All women love fast cars and rich men."
Two weeks later they meet again.
2: "So how is it going?"
1: "I used your tip, I bought a Lambo-hanger, but still I haven't picked up a woman."
2: "I'll tell you what's wrong. When you go to a bar and you sit down, always take your helmet of."
This is especially for those lads who are planning to ski this year....
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one more...
Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date. 10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore." 9. "Show me how you used to spank her." 8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter." 7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?" 6. "I just got my license today." 5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped memature." 4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup." 3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?" 2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me' Back Door Bob.'"1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls""Are they that big?" asked the other."No they're this dirty."