Bare Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Skiing Accident

    Hot 7 years ago

    A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
    One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
    If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
    Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she more...

    Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
    The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
    The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
    The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

    A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders ahamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders ahamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"

    A Day at the Horse Races

    Hot 3 years ago

    A Day at the Horse Races
    Horses in the race are:
    1. Passionate Lady
    6. Clean Sheets
    2. Bare Belly
    7. Thighs
    3. Silk Panties
    8. Big Johnson
    4. Conscience
    9. Heavy Bosum
    5. Jockey Shorts
    10. Merry Cherry
    At the Post
    They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
    At the Halfway Mark
    It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
    At The Stretch
    Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.
    At The Finish Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. more...

    A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, "he has a card up his sleeve" or "he has a dove in his pocket." One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
    McGee "A young man and an old man are talking.
    "Do you see that barn over there?" the old man says. "I built that barn with my own bare hands in just three days. Do they call me McGee the barn builder? Oh, no, no, no."
    The young man says, "Yes, sir, but... "
    "And do you see that bridge over there?" says the old man. "I built that bridge with my own bare hands in just two days. Do they call me McGee the bridge builder? Oh, no, no, more...

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