Penny Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man from New Hampshire stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip - three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Eric's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear. Eric was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her more...
Why are they called old sayings? Are they really old? If someone came up with a new one, would it be a new saying?
"A penny saved is a penny earned."
Who cares about a penny? A more appropriate version would be, "A penny saved is absolutely worthless. Try a quarter next time."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
Why? What if apples went extinct? What would happen then? What if you were allergic to them? What if your dad was a doctor? Would that keep him away?
"Ignorance is bliss."
I though bliss was a GOOD thing...
"Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
But you can't! Before they are hatched, they'd be EGGS.
"Ask no questions and hear no lies."
But what if they tell them anyway?
"Time is money."
But money isn't time...
"Every bird loves to hear himself sing."
Annoying people don't have anything better to do than listen to themselves more...
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds.
He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
Why did the penny become angry with the nickel?
Because the nickel was a "penny pincher".