Pearly Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.
St Peter: "Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision."
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada: -). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic: -). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: "Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell."
St Peter: "No worries. You've got it."
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't work it out.
Gates: "Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and more...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates:
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows XP. I'm going to do something I've never done before. . . I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked. St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine! Where should I go first?" "You decide." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and more...

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I more...

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they`re gone, they`re gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"