Paternity Jokes

Sorenson Genomics has released a kit that allows people to conduct paternity tests at home by swabbing the cheeks of the child and the presumed father.

The paternity test works best on men who don't screen their calls.

Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when
they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child's father) in a
barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect.
Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to represent
her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out of luck once
it was determined that paternity could not be established within a reasonable
degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA testing(97% probability that
Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldn't
happen, hmmm?). He would be excluded from juvenile court as a stranger to the
proceeding and investigated for possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and
asses around), and he would be told that he had no standing to object since he
was not the natural father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by
their own admissions they more...

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of August 12th last, at approximately midnight, in the locale known generally as Lover's Lane, did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, did the defendant have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11: 45 p. m., in the locale known generally as' Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."