"If Jesus Were Born Today" joke

Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when
they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child's father) in a
barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect.

Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to represent
her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out of luck once
it was determined that paternity could not be established within a reasonable
degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA testing(97% probability that
Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldn't
happen, hmmm?). He would be excluded from juvenile court as a stranger to the
proceeding and investigated for possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and
asses around), and he would be told that he had no standing to object since he
was not the natural father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by
their own admissions they had not yet consummated their union).

The Division of Children and Family Services would ask the court to order Mary
to take parenting classes, and the Court would order that homemaker services be
provided as well, since obviously Mary can't keep house properly (the place
where the DHS workers found the child was kept remarkably like a barn). Mary
would be allowed to have one visit with Jesus per week at the Centers for Youth
and Families. The visit would be one hour long, and supervised by a therapist
since Jesus would no doubt be put in therapeutic foster care to prevent
psychological damage resulting from the horrible lack of civilization to which
he had been exposed at such a tender age.

At the eighteen month dispositional hearing, the court would consider
terminating parental rights because of Mary's refusal to bring a paternity suit
against Jesus' true biological father (or even to identify him to the
satisfaction of the Court). The Court would be appalled at the life choices
Mary would have made: she would have completed her marriage to Joseph (that
suspected sexual deviant) and had more children by him, which was obviously
contrary to Jesus' best interest. Since Mary and Joseph had fled the
jurisdiction with Jesus once to escape encounters with the authorities, they
would determine that Mary and Joe had nefarious plans to abscond with the Ward
of the State to Egypt again, where they would possibly engage in dangerous and
illegal activities with him. Parental rights would be terminated, and Jesus
would be put up for adoption.

He would be adopted by the Herods, a well-connected and politically powerful
family, who have been searching for just such a child as Jesus. Of course,
Jesus will die in the custody of his adoptive family, because that's all they
wanted him for in the first place. Social services will NOT have intervened
prior to his death because the state social workers could never imagine someone
as highly placed as the Herods exploiting children or torturing them to death.
The political ramifications for the Herods would have been too severe. In all
likelihood, the social service agencies would cover up the death as one
occurring from accident, and Herod's good name will be preserved.