Oscar Jokes / Recent Jokes
If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?
An a-cat-emy award.
Joseph Boone, Academy Award winning song writer of You Light Up My Life has turned director and has been accused of sexual assault by several wannabe actresses. Apparently he invited them over his house to audition, told them they would be playing a prostitute, gave them a few shots, and then had them perform sex acts on him. He defended himself by saying, "Hey, I just wanted to make sure they were right for the part."
India's ruling Congress party has bought the rights to "Jai Ho," the Oscar-winning song from "Slumdog Millionaire." Meanwhile North Korea just tried to buy ACDC's "Highway to Hell".
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd then become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then become Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!""Dear God! Did you try to stop him?""No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
The movie "There Will Be Blood" received eight Academy Award nominations.
For those of you not familiar with this movie, it's a story about the Democratic presidential campaign.
Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard ShawOne cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie SnowBy all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man. - SocratesMarriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert SpencerSomeone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by more...