Oscar Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Fleas

    Hot 3 months ago

    A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
    "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
    "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
    "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
    So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see more...

    The Name Game

    Hot 1 year ago

    If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the' 90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then more...

    Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shoutedto her, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

    HORIZONS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATIONAL TECHNOLOGY
    By Ross Williams 3 June 1988.
    Recent studies have shown that while undergraduate students are more intelligent
    than kindergarten students, the mentality and attention span of the two groups
    are similar. With this in mind, we introduce a new concept in Computer Science
    education:
    COMPUTER SCIENCE SESAME STREET
    Narrator:
    One of these programs is not like the others,
    One of these programs has a bug.
    One of these programs is not like the others,
    And if you can't tell which one, you're a mug.
    One of these programs is not like the others,
    One of these programs will really teach yer,
    One of these programs is not like the others,
    Yes, that's not a bug, that's a feature.
    ---
    Voiceover:
    c
    C
    C?
    C!
    printf!
    while ((c=getchar() != EOF) {}
    C!
    ---
    Song:
    Dum diddle diddle diddle dum de dum dum,
    Dum diddle diddle diddle,
    1, 2, 3, 4, 5, more...

    If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
    If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd then become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
    If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then become Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
    If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
    If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
    If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

  • Recent Activity