Mayer Jokes

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    The Name Game

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    If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the' 90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then more...

    If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
    If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd then become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
    If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then become Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
    If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
    If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
    If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

    My bologna has a first name,
    It's c-o-w cow.
    My bologna has a second name,
    It's l-i-p-s lips.
    Oh, I have to eat it every day,
    And if you ask me why I'll sayyyy...
    'Cuz Oscar Mayer has a way
    Of getting by the FDA!

    Sung to the Oscar Mayer's song: His baloney has a first name, It's "I did not inhale."His baloney has a second name:"I wasn't getting tail."He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a wayOf making bullshit sound OK!

    The legendary meat-processor's cause of death has a first name it's H-E-A-R-T. His cause of death has a second name it's A-T-T-A-C-K.
    Oscar Mayer is the only person in history to have his famous wiener eaten more times than John Holmes.

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