Four men went to play golf.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock and bond portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son more...
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
A chicken and a horse are playing in a meadow when the horse falls into a mud hole and begins to sink. The horse calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to get the farmer, but can't find him, so she drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to the horse and drives the car forward, saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again. This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole. She yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the mud hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken, "Quick, grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up!" The chicken does as the horse said and pulls herself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes more...
After work on a Friday evening, three guys were sitting in a bar, talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured that if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah? Well, for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured that if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go f*** herself."