In my own words: "I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like' what the heck?' (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."
"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you're going to Portland, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Portland, you're about to have a really long evening."
"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now."
"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're more...
(I don't remember where I heard this, but I don't think it was in church...)
During a particularly wet winter, flood waters rise so high in one
town that the national guard evacuates all the residents. One man
stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national
guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left
"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat
and we'll carry you to safety!"
But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the
Lord will save me."
The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later,
when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat
"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save
But the man sends them away again, saying "No, no, the Lord will save
The water level keeps rising until the man more...
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information
Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
1. Surface Tension-soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive more...
A chicken and a horse are playing in a meadow when the horse falls into a mud hole and begins to sink. The horse calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to get the farmer, but can't find him, so she drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to the horse and drives the car forward, saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again. This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole. She yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the mud hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken, "Quick, grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up!" The chicken does as the horse said and pulls herself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes more...