Office Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl?
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
He replies: "Good enough."

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind more...

TRUE STORY
My first job was working in an office at my cubicle. Unfortunately, they put me on the floor with a bunch of pranksters.
While I was doing my work, I saw one a co-worker with a funnel down his pants, trying to catch a coin with it, for fun. He would throw the coin in the air, and then catch it with the funnel. I found this very interesting, so when it was lunch break, I asked them if I could try it. The co-worker handed me a funnel and coin, and told me to put the funnel down my pants, and down my underpants if I wanted.
I put it down my pants, and started playing. I caught the coin a couple of times, and I continued for a while. The co-worker left to get cold water to drink, and when he came back to me, he accidentally tripped and fell, purposely putting the cup into the funnel, which travelled down to my underwear. He began laughing really hard, because my it looked like I'd peed myself.
I had to work like that for the rest of the day, and everyone got more...

1 "Employees are our most valuable asset."
2. "I have an open door policy."
3. "You could earn more money under the new plan."
4. "We're reorganizing to better serve our customers."
5. "The future is bright."
6. "We reward risk takers."
7. "Performance will be rewarded."
8. "We don't shoot the messenger."
9. "Training is a high priority."
10. "I haven't heard any rumours."
11. "We'll review your performance in six months."
12. "Our people are the best."
13. "Your input is important to us."
14 “You will receive two weeks training every year.”

An elderly woman went to the doctor's office for a check up.
The doctor asked if she had any problems. The woman said that she had a terrible farting problem, but they were silent & didn't smell. In fact she had farted at least 10 times since she had been in the office, but as they were silent & didn't smell he wouldn't have known.
The doctor listened to her story and then gave her a prescription for some pills. He told her to take these for a week and then come back to see him.
1 week later the elderly woman returned to the doctor's office and complained "I don't know what you did but those pills you gave me have got my wind smelling awful, mind you they are still silent but boy do they stink!"
The doctor replied, "Good, now that your sinuses are cleared up we will work on improving your hearing!"

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the more...

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into alumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office andsaid, "We need some four-by-twos."The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meanttwo-by-fours.""All right. How long do you need them?"The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better gocheck."After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,"A long time. We're gonna build a house."