Modern Jokes / Recent Jokes
Hammer
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain
on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on
oneself.
Screwdriver
The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the
damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers
A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind
the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on
a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light
A worklight that lights up your more...
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.
A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody look at her, looks at everybody.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
Handy guide to modern science:If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.If it stinks, it's chemistry.If it doesn't work, it's physics.
In the latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine, legendary musician and ex-Willbury, called modern music'atrocious' and compared listening to modern recordings to listening to static. In other news, a pot in New York City has called a Jersey kettle,'black'.
With modern medical conveniences coming into Russia since the USSR's breakup, many Russians still have to learn how to do things that westerners understand from modern culture.
One Doctor working in an outback part of the country was visited by a old Russian man with severe constipation. Being in a hurry, the doctor gave the poor Russian some suppositories and sent him away with a scheduled checkup in three days. Three days passed and the old Russian man arrived back at the doctors.
"So how did those work for ya?", the doctor asked.
The old Russian, with a look of disgust replied: "Doctor! They tasted like shit; They stuck in my throat; and for as much good as they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!"
Modern Mathematics
Romance Mathematics
smart man + smart woman = romance
smart man + dumb woman = affair
dumb man + smart woman = marriage
dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Office Arithmetic
smart boss + smart employee = profit
smart boss + dumb employee = production
dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need.
General Equations & Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
Married more...
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer`s eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist`s view of astrology as the mother of all science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen more...