Middle-aged Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were more...

The Oscars are here! The Oscars are here!

The single greatest night of year is coming, and that means it's time for me to tell you who will win! I'm good, you know it. Last year, I told you James Coburn would win, and you all laughed, and he won. WHY DO YOU DOUBT ME?

Many of you cling to the belief that the Oscar goes to the most deserving nominee. Get over yourself. Oscars have nothing to do with talent and everything to do with marketing. With that in mind, here is the list of who will win.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR OK, everyone loved the little kid in Sixth Sense. But the last time the Academy gave an award to a damn kid (Anna Paquin from The Piano) she vanished off the face of the Earth to concentrate on a spelling bee. Face it, they ain't gonna give an award to anyone who still worships the Power Rangers. How about Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile? Too tall. Jude Law? Forget it, his name's Jude.

There are really only two possible more...

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasnt planning on spending that much."

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for hisbirthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitudedue to the influence of its former owner, who is now adeceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and downat everything it sees. One day the man comes home with agorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing theparrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". Shetakes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out thedoor. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother. The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slotcrack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you losethat over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle thosedroopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack thatleaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threatfrom his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands nomore. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it intothe freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kickingfrom the bad more...

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat. She says, "That's it! That's it!"He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side."

The middle-aged woman came back from her physical with a smile on her face. »
"Why the grin?" asked her sour-faced husband.
"Because," she boasted, "Dr. Berkowitz told me I have the bust of a woman half my age."
"Oh, yeah? And what about your sixty-year-old ass?"
The woman answered, "Come to think of it, he didn't say a thing about you."