Congratulations Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Church rules...

    Hot 1 year ago

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

    The pastor said,' We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'

    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

    The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,' Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied,' No problem at all, Pastor.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied,' The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two more...

    Insults

    Hot 6 years ago

    "I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you - it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person".
    "Yeah, I'd love to f! ck your brains out, but apparently someone BEAT ME TO IT!"
    "Are your parents cousins?"
    "I know cement that gets hard faster than you."
    "Your teeth are so yellow; I can't believe it's not butter."
    "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
    "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
    Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
    "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed more...

    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What was I thinking?"
    "Congratulations on your wedding day!... Too bad no one likes your wife."
    "How could two people as beautiful you... have such an ugly baby?"
    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... I never believed in Hell until I met you."
    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me."
    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
    "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... I never knew what evil was before this!"
    "Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    "Someday I hope to get married... but not to more...

    "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your Wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
    having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in
    Hell til I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
    ruin it for me." If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
    Like the need for therapy..." Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
    take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike! When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
    we've more...

    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What was I thinking?"
    "Congratulations on your wedding day!... Too bad no one likes your wife."
    "How could two people as beautiful you... have such an ugly
    baby?"
    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... I never
    believed in Hell until I met you."
    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not
    here to ruin it for me."
    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
    "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... I never knew what evil was before this!"
    "Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    "Someday I hope to get married... more...

  • Recent Activity