Mail Jokes / Recent Jokes

Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don't call you just because they want to giveyou something for nothing - they call because they want YOUto do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all yourcalls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mailmessage for you and it sounds like impending work, respondduring lunch hour when you know they're not there - it lookslike you're hardworking and conscientious even though you'rebeing a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the methodof screening incoming calls and then returning calls whennobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that thecaller will give up or look for a solution that doesn'tinvolve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can everhear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If yourvoice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it canhold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way todo that is to never erase any incoming messages. If more...

Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway
station ticket counter with two men ahead of him.
Ek Punjab Mail dena.` demanded the man in front.
He was given a ticket.
`Ek Punjab Mail dena.` the second man asked and was
handed a ticket.
Then came the turn of Banta Singh,
`Ek Punjab female dena!`
`What do u mean by Punjab female?` asked the clerk.
`It is for my wife` replied Banta Singh.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file,
and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn,
and all the scores from fans long gone.
The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.
Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who's late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.
VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.
Lord, Bless our all-electric more...

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blond, woman neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I`ve got mail!"

Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep.PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while.Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone.The AC is set to cut back on cool;Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;CD to play some, then cutoff.Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.Burglar alarm on delay activate;Carport lite on, for son who's late.Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;Water filter to fill the tank just right.VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows.Motion detectors on, to check what moves;White noise machine set to seaside soothes.Camcorder is ready to film in a flashBlender's all set, the fruit to mash.Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;Keep lightning away should it rain.Let no errant shock reset it all;Watch over the breaker box in the hall.I'm more...

How many mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light
bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all more...

Log on -- Make the wood stove hotter
Log off -- Don't add no more wood
Monitor -- Keep an eye on that wood stove
Download -- Getting the firewood off the truck
Floppy disk -- What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
Ram -- The thing that splits the firewood
Hard drive -- Getting home in the winter
Prompt -- What the mail ain't in the winter
Window -- What to shut when it's cold outside
Screen -- What to shut in black fly season
Byte -- What the black flies do
Bit -- What the black flies did
Mega Byte -- What the BIG black flies do chip Munchies for TV
Micro Chip -- What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
Modem -- What you did to the hay fields
Dot matrix -- Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap top -- Where the kitty sleeps
Software -- The dumb plastic knives & forks they give you at McDonalds
Hardware -- The real stainless steel cutlery.
Mouse -- What eats grain in the barn
Main more...