Lump Jokes / Recent Jokes
A carpet installer was just finishing a big job and decided to stop for a smoke. He searched his pockets and not finding his usual pack of cigarettes began to look around. A lump under the carpet caught his attention. Not wanting to remove and reinstall a large carpet, he took a mallet and carefully pounded down the lump, smoothing it out with his hands until it was perfectly flat. Satisfied that the job was well done, he gathered up his tooks only to find his cigarettes in the lid of his tool box. He was examining them quizically when the woman of house walks in and says, "The carpets look great. By the way, have you seen my canary?"
(I was reminded of this one by the "replaced-dead-rabbit" joke)
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding
them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small
lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip
up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and
pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the
other rooms to be carpeted.
At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into
his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his
pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the
house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"
The revelation that golf carts do not have four-wheel drive came to me one morning as I tried to find my ball in the mud, which I found out later was actually not part of the golf course at all but rather the site of a pending condo project, half a block away. I must have missed the out-of-bounds marker when I was crossing the freeway. It was just one more lesson in the complex world of golf.
I remember the first time I played. My twosome was paired up with another twosome. After my tee-off on the first hole went somewhat awry, landing on the clubhouse roof, one of the other players asked if I had a handicap. I thought his joke in poor taste and threatened him with my 9-iron. Now, of course, I realize that having a handicap is a good thing, even if it is 52.
Learning the rules and language of golf is crucial. It separates the obvious beginning from someone just having another bad day. Therefore, I have from experience compiled a few lessons that may help other more...