Lump Jokes

There'a a story going the rounds that involves a carpet layer who had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes - they were gone. He was not about to take up the carpet, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered up his tools and carried them to the truck. Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged. "Have you seen anything of my parakeet?" she asked plaintively.

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one
is not. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few
of my closest friends.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years
ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with
someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who
would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if
imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at
pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became
obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to
bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living
out my life in jeans and more...

A carpet installer was just finishing a big job and decided to stop for a smoke. He searched his pockets and not finding his usual pack of cigarettes began to look around. A lump under the carpet caught his attention. Not wanting to remove and reinstall a large carpet, he took a mallet and carefully pounded down the lump, smoothing it out with his hands until it was perfectly flat. Satisfied that the job was well done, he gathered up his tooks only to find his cigarettes in the lid of his tool box. He was examining them quizically when the woman of house walks in and says, "The carpets look great. By the way, have you seen my canary?"

A man with a womb  a rare medical phenomenon is being treated at the
Kandy General Hospital. The womb, complete with the fallopian tubes
and ovaries, was found in his stomach when he was operated on for
cancer.
The patient, in his early thirties, had been treated for a cancer for
the past one and a half months.' The various tests done had pointed to
a malignancy in the stomach. The treatment had reduced the lump in his
stomach, but it had grown later on. The scan showed a lump in his
stomach,' one doctor said.
'There was no physical abnormality. He was a normal male. He had no
sign of femininity. He had a male organ but no testis. We believe the
testis are in the abdomen area. The testis were pasted to the womb,'
he said.
The patient had been married for around eight years but has no
children.

A gynaecologist, commenting on this rare medical phenomenon said' One
person can develop both organs, more...

After a blind date a fellow said to his friend, "After I got home last night I felt a lump in my throat."

"You really like her, huh?"

"No, she's a karate expert."