Lime Jokes / Recent Jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lime who?
Lime bean!

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine? Hello! Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the hell cares! Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white powdery mess on more...

Dear Shrink,
It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn’t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.
I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.
I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.
Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?
I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!
I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that more...

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juic
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three more...