Mix Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

    Ladies vs. Real Women

    Hot 2 years ago

    Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

    Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

    Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

    Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

    Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the more...

    The Cesium song 06

    Hot 3 years ago

    Why Don't We Mix Up the Two

    (Tune, "Why don't we get drunk..."
    with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

    I've got a pound of Cesium,
    It's burning gently near.
    The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
    But it's noise I want to hear.
    So darlin' bring some water,
    A couple pints'll do.
    And why don't we mix up the two?

    Why don't we mix up the two?
    ' Cause Cesium and water,
    Really make a wicked brew.
    You say I've got a death wish,
    But honey, I'm just blue.
    So why don't we mix up the two?

    ---Songs of Cesium #29

    Martha's Way:
    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
    The Real Woman's Way:
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
    Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
    Real Woman's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
    Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
    The Real Woman's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
    Martha's Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
    The Real Woman's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too more...

    Martha Stewart vs Me

    Hot 4 months ago

    Martha Stewart vs Me... Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room more...

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