Ice Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    PG Caught in the act

    Hot 5 years ago

    Caught in the Act:

    A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

    Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:' Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

    Burning with anger, but thinking the husband could only dig himself deeper; she turned, and with ice in her voice, said:' FINE.'

    'Well, on the bus home, I met this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride from the transit station. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that old birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit more...

    Fishin In Cajon Country

    Hot 5 years ago

    A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?"
    Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim' round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
    The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
    The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" said the Cajun
    "When are you going to call more...

    Gentleman and the Waiter

    Hot 5 years ago

    THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS EXPLICIT USAGE OF OBSCENE LANGUAGE IN A SEXUAL
    CONTEXT. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE BELOW THE ACCEPTABLE AGE OF 18 YEARS. THE
    AUTHOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY VIOLATION OR IGNORANCE OF THIS WARNING.

    There was once a posh gentleman who went to this luxurious, and highly
    pompous restaurant for a lavish dinner. He called a waiter, asked for the
    menu card, and then ordered a French soup a la' creme. Moments later, the
    waiter returned with the soup with his index finger poked inside the
    soup-bowl. Seeing this disgusting sight, the gentleman was dismayed, but
    with regard to his gentlemanly manner, remained quiet. He then ordered for
    apetizers, and the main course.
    During each of his courses, he noticed that the waiter was always poking his
    thumb into the dish. This time, the man was utterly annoyed, but still
    stayed calm, forcing his urging desire to punch the waiter, to regress.
    After enjoying more...

    A man bought a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30-some thousand dollars with $400+ dollar monthly
    payments. He immediately got hold of his friend and they went to do some male bonding. They went duck
    hunting... and of course, all the lakes are frozen.
    The two went to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drove
    out onto the lake ice and got ready. Now, they wanted to make some kind of a natural landing area for
    the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole
    large enough to look like something a wandering duck would want to fly down and land on, it is going
    to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
    So, out of the new Grand Cherokee came the new owner, the friend, the dog, and a stick of dynamite
    with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these 2 Rocket Scientists did take into consideration that if they
    placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a more...

    Helpful Hints:

    Hot 2 years ago

    ** Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    ** Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

    ** To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    ** Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

    ** To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

    ** To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.

    ** Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

    ** When a cake recipe calls for flouring more...

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