Lighter Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.
So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.
"Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal" the salesman said.
"What makes him so special?" the man asked.
The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."
So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?"
"Well I don't know" answered the salesman.
So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing...
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter... where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back."Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal" the salesman said."What makes him so special?" the man asked.The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?""Well I don't know" answered the salesman.So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

UNIQUE PARROT
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique
gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's
looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees
that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband
is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager
moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing
"Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and
that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her more...

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.."I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter."Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster.""I got it from my genie.""You have a genie?" he asked."Yes, he's right here in my pocket.""Could I see him?"He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?""Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks. About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on more...

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).
The 1998 nominees are:
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily more...

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter... where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" more...