Kosher Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.
"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does more...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me-
we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home,
hanging stockings with care,
Secure in the knowledge
St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old more...

Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was a very boring river because the land was so flat there.

One day, the boy was eating lunch by the river, munching on a kosher pickle. All of the sudden, an idea comes to him and he pitches the pickle into the river. Instantly, the river is transformed into a majestic waterfall!

People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy. "How," they asked, "how did you know to toss the kosher pickle into the river?" The little boy smiled and answered, "I just thought of that old adage--you know, that dill waters run steep!"

There's a variant of BSE that's been found in kosher cattle. It's called
"I-had-expected-better-from-you cow disease."

Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My
girlfriend and me-we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were
home, hanging stockings with care, Secure in their knowledge
St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Hanukkah
candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There
weren't any concerts to got to that night. A dance would have
saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the
papers; there wasn't a thing.

Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the
wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I
could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and
called out "CHINESE FOOD!"

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots To
cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our
jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The T," bound more...

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the more...

The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony." "I don't know, what would I wear?" "Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker""But I only eat kosher food""Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food""But how will I get there?" "I'll send a limo, just come mama""Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy. The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme CourtJustices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentlemanon her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?". .."Her brother's a doctor!"