Kosher Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Where is Your Beard?

    Hot 11 months ago

    After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
    "But-where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
    "Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
    "But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
    "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
    "But kosher food you still eat?"
    "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
    The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me-you're still circumcised?"

    Making It Kosher

    Hot 1 year ago

    A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
    carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your more...

    Pickle of a river

    Hot 2 years ago

    Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was a very boring river because the land was so flat there.

    One day, the boy was eating lunch by the river, munching on a kosher pickle. All of the sudden, an idea comes to him and he pitches the pickle into the river. Instantly, the river is transformed into a majestic waterfall!

    People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy. "How," they asked, "how did you know to toss the kosher pickle into the river?" The little boy smiled and answered, "I just thought of that old adage--you know, that dill waters run steep!"

    A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.
    The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
    Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
    carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
    As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.
    "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does more...

    Kosher Millionaire
    You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire...You Should Only Live So Long." You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:
    1. You may call a Rabbi for his opinion.
    2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
    3. You may consider your spouse's opinion... or not.
    Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give you her opinion.
    Lets play...
    For $100
    Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on re-entry?
    A. Oy Vey is Mir
    For $200
    Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?
    A. All right, everybody get in the car.
    For $500
    Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
    A. Netanyahoo.
    For $1,000
    Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
    A. Oil of Oy Vey.
    For $2,000
    Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
    A. Debbie Does more...

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