Kitty Jokes / Recent Jokes
This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can’t get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says “they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens”. So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten? ” And the docter replied “they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens”. So the next day she comes back and says “the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens. The next morning a little boy walks up and says. “my mother’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a more...
A woman had 1 pet. It was a kitty. it was laying on a rug. along came a dog. the dog scared the kitty away. How did the dog get there if the woman only had 1 pet? AWNSER The kitty was outside.
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.
(Thanks to IrisMist)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mouse intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur!
My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get." I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about." If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me! You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)..... I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking more...