Fresh Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager:
    - "Got any fresh fruit?"
    - "No."
    - "Got any fresh vegetables?"
    - "No. We have only canned and dry goods."
    The next day, the duck returns:
    - "Got any fresh fruit?"
    - "No."
    - "Got any fresh vegetables?"
    - "No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."
    On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks:
    - "Got any nails?"
    - "No."
    - "Got any fresh fruit?"

    What's Your Diagnosis?

    Hot 6 years ago

    A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
    At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
    After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
    "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
    "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
    As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
    "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
    "I didn't have more...

    EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
    Date ____________________
    Name _____________________
    Department ________________________
    Title _____________________________
    Supervisor _________________________
    KNOWLEDGE
    1. This s.o.b. really knows his shit!
    2. Knows most phases of job.
    3. Knows just enough to be dangerous.
    4. Stupid bastard couldn't hit his ass with both hands.
    5. Fucker is brain damaged, a cup of coffee has a higher I.Q.
    ACCURACY
    1. Does excellent work, if not preoccupied with sex.
    2. Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass.
    3. Does shitty work and constantly fucks up.
    4. Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.
    RATE OF WORK
    1. Fastest mo-fo I ever saw.
    2. Fast s.o.b., if he thinks he'll get a raise.
    3. Does a lot of work, at salary review time.
    4. Works only if kicked in the ass every five minutes.
    5. Couldn't do less work if he was in a coma.
    DEPENDABILITY
    1. more...

    Martha Stewart vs Me

    Hot 7 years ago

    Martha Stewart vs Me...
    Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
    My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
    Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
    My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
    Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
    My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
    Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
    My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
    Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh more...

    Butterball Turkey Talk-Line...
    Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls - inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (''Will it cook faster if I drive faster?''), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen - these are real incidents, true stories - from the front lines!
    Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After more...

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