Kelly Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have more...
Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to
him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your
old friend Grogan any more?"
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and
adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.
"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely
jump from the trestle?"
"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the
truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with
a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature
beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan?
Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"
"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing more...
Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someonespoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffledfigure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandagesand adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaningon a crutch."Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or didye merely jump from the trestle?""It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel ofit. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphyhimself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me.""He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?""Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thingin itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent's had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as
he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
Tina and Kelly were sitting home on a Saturday evening.
Tina is known for her wit in cracking jokes.
She tells Kelly that she looked liked a french poodle.
Kelly "replies" you have the audacity to say I look like a french poodle when you look like over processed meat.
A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says, "Hi, my name is Kelly, and you are losing some of your load."The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi my name is Kelly, and you are losing some of your load!"He ignores her again and continues down the street.The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again, she says "Hi, my name is Kelly, and you are losing some of your load!"He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl, and says: "Hi, my name is Andy, and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"