July Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BILL CLINTON'S FRIEND??
    The following is a list of dead people connected to Bill Clinton. Please
    note the following breakdown of causes, and then think about the statistical possibility of their being random occurrences (especially the plane crashes):
    1. James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an
    apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key
    witness in Ken Starr's investigation.
    2. Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a
    Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she
    was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
    3. Vince Foster - Former White House counselor, and colleague of Hillary
    Clinton at Little Rock's Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the
    head, ruled a suicide.
    4. Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former Democratic National
    Committee Chairman. Reported to have died more...

    The Day The NASDAQ Died

    Hot 3 years ago

    Sung to the tune of "American Pie" A long, long week ago I can still remember how the market used to make me smile What I'd do when I had the chance Is get myself a cash advance And add another tech stock to the pile. But Alan Greenspan made me shiver With every speech that he delivered Bad news on the rate front Still I'd take one more punt I can't remember if I cried When I heard about the CPI I lost my fortune and my pride The day that NASDAQ died So bye-bye to my piece of the pie Now I'm gettin' calls for margin' Cause my cash account's dry It's just two weeks from a new all-time high And now we're right back where we were in July We're right back where we were in July Did you buy stocks you never heard of? QCOM at 150 or above?' Cos George Gilder told you so Now do you believe in Home Depot? Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio? And can you teach me what's a P/E ratio? Well, I know that you were leveraged too So you can't just take a long-term view Your broker shut you down more...

    16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You can say 110 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7: 30 a. m. before work. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to more...

    1)Sept. 17, 1955: Young Michael Jagger gets his lips caught in a Coke bottle for several hours.2)September 8, 1949: In Bavaria, Richard Strauss dies.
    September 8, 1949: In Greece, Milos Muzak is born.3)November 17, 1984: "Don't worry, Mr. Dylan, the novocaine will wear off *LONG* before your recording session."4)October 31, 1975: At a costume party in Greenwich Village, a soldier, an Indian, a biker, a construction worker, a cop and a cowboy all decide, "This is too much fun to do just once a year!"5)July 23, 1956: Colonel Tom Parker says to Elvis, "Boy, you're nothin' but skin and bones. You better put on some weight, or people are gonna think you're sick!"6)June 7, 1966: "Hey, chaps, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend, Yoko."7)August 15, 1953: Future songwriter Jimmy Webb forgets his slice of birthday cake outside. Moments later, it begins to rain.8)November 3, 1987: Knowing how much her kids loved "Star Wars," a naive Tipper more...

    16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert
    You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
    You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
    You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
    You can make instant sun tea.
    You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
    The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
    You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
    You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
    You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
    Hot water now comes out of both taps.
    It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
    You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
    You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
    No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
    Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get more...

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