April Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Little Jeremy was blind (aw!). One evening, his mummy put him on her knee and said, "Jeremy, I have a very special surprise for you. Tonight, if you pray very hard, when you wake up, you'll be able to see."
    In great excitement, Jeremy stumbled upstairs, threw himself down next to his bed, and prayed his little heart out. "Please God, please, please, please give me sight. I'll be a good boy all the time, and I'll never use my eyes to look at naughty things or anything." (etc.) The next morning, his mother is awakened by howls from Jeremy's room.
    She rushes into him. "What's wrong, son?"
    "I still can't see!" he wails.
    "Ha ha!" laughs his mum. "April fools!"

    Excuses

    Hot 2 years ago

    1991 - A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.
    1992 - Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."
    1993 - Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 more...

    Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
    Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
    Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
    Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
    Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like more...

    Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are more...

    Defense Attorney:
    What is your age?
    Little Old Woman:
    I am 86 years old.
    Defense Attorney:
    On the first day of April last year, will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
    Little Old Woman:
    There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
    Defense Attorney:
    Did you know him?
    Little Old Woman:
    No, but he sure was friendly.
    Defense Attorney:
    What happened after he sat down beside you?
    Little Old Woman:
    He started to rub my thigh.
    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him?
    Little Old Woman:
    No, I didn't stop him.
    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?
    Little Old Woman:
    It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?
    Little Old Woman:
    He began to rub my breasts.
    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him more...

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