April Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department
    From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995
    Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
    - Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
    Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
    - Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
    Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
    - The New York Times, November 22
    Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
    - The Los Angeles Times, November 2
    'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
    - Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
    Alcohol ads promote drinking
    - The Hartford Courant, November 18
    Malls try to attract shoppers
    - The Baltimore Sun, October 22
    Official: Only rain will cure drought
    - The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
    Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
    - The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
    Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
    - Newsday, July 11
    Man shoots neighbor with machete
    - The Miami Herald, July more...

    Little Jeremy was blind (aw!). One evening, his mummy put him on her knee and said, "Jeremy, I have a very special surprise for you. Tonight, if you pray very hard, when you wake up, you'll be able to see."
    In great excitement, Jeremy stumbled upstairs, threw himself down next to his bed, and prayed his little heart out. "Please God, please, please, please give me sight. I'll be a good boy all the time, and I'll never use my eyes to look at naughty things or anything." (etc.) The next morning, his mother is awakened by howls from Jeremy's room.
    She rushes into him. "What's wrong, son?"
    "I still can't see!" he wails.
    "Ha ha!" laughs his mum. "April fools!"

    Excuses

    Hot 2 years ago

    1991 - A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.
    1992 - Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."
    1993 - Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 more...

    Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
    Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
    Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
    Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
    Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like more...

    Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are more...

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