Host Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the old days of the cold war, when it was very hard for Westerners to visit the Soviet Union, a British mathematician travels to Moscow to speak in the seminar of a famous Russian professor.
He starts his talk writing a theorem on the board. When he wants to prove it, the professor interrupts him: "This theorem is clear!"
The speaker is, of course, annoyed, but manages to conceal it. He continues his talk with a second theorem, but, again, when he wants to start with the proof, he is interrupted by his host: "This theorem is also clear!"
With a stern face, he writes a third theorem on the board and asks: "Is this theorem clear, too?!"
His host nods.
The visitor grins and says: "This theorem - is false..."

Stopping to pay a call on some of his suburban constituents, the Congressman found that they were having a party and volunteered to return at a more convenient time. "Don't go," the host begged. "We're playing a game that you might enjoy. We blindfold the women and then they try to guess the identity of the men by feeling their genitals."
"How dare you suggest such a thing to a man of my dignity and stature?" the politician roared.
"You might as well play," the host urged. "Your name's already been guessed three times."

SEATTLE'S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE

It's been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki Beach at Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and the sodden, rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.

(History, alas, doesn't record the response of the Native Americans when they spotted those tear-drenched settlers. But they probably were too polite to laugh out loud.)

In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have worked out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style. Here they are, recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:

DRESS CODE. Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle tuxes: clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with weathered ski-lift tags. Hiking boots are optional.

CONVERSATION'S GAMBIT. Topics will include: 1) the election; 2) previous elections; and, 3) the next election. Several arguments will ensue before the host or hostess more...

The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the upcoming season:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.
Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.
The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.
And the more...

Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.

At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."

Got a minute? There were three Filipino friends who were invited to a Mood Party. In order to be allowed access into the party, each person had to make an appearance as a mood or feeling. The first guy went to the supermarket and bought a pear. The second, bought a dress and the last bought a custard pie. Confused with each other, they decided to go to the party and let the host clear things up between them. The host of the party opens the door and asks the first Filipino guy, "What's the pear for?" The Filipino guy sticks out his thumb and plops the pear right over his thumb. Baffled, the host asks what this all means. The Filipino guy answers, "I'm in' dis pear (despair)!" The host smiles and let's him in. The second one busts out his dress. When asked to explain, he takes off all of his clothes, throws them to the corner and wears the dress. He then explains, "I'm in' dis dress (distress)!" The host then smiles again and let's him in as well. By this more...

A friend was in Japan on business. On one day, the company he was visiting took him out for a round of golf. Although he was not a good golfer, he loved to play. Everytime he hit a bad shot, his caddy would bow and say "Osheetabazhow".
He was really impressed with their politeness and especially that of the caddy despite his poor play. On the back nine, after a poor shot and the caddy again bowed and said "osheetabazhow", his curiosity got the better of him and he asked his host about the caddy's expression.
The host replied that he was saying, in poor English, "Oh shit! Too bad, Joe.".

A Japanese expression meaning cooperation - "Yotamashu, atayushu" (translation "You tie my shoe, I tie your shoe")