Homeless Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
    The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
    Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
    The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
    Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
    Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
    Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

    Checks

    Hot 1 year ago

    A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "-I know,-" he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish.
    Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we more...

    Help the Homeless

    Hot 5 years ago

    (This was posted a week ago in talk.pol.misc, but thought I'd let you
    mull it over. It is original writing, and is typical of my callous mode
    of social thought which I occasionally fall into.)
    Like many people, I have been thinking about the problem of homelessness in
    America's cities. Besides the obvious suffering of the homeless people, the
    spectacle of raggedly dressed people bent for warmth in the subways and bus
    stations of the cities greets visitors with a pronouncedly negative image.
    I have struck upon a means of eliminating the privation of the homeless while
    lessening the adverse impact they have on the surrounding neighborhoods.
    At a cost of about $250 per individual, each can be outfitted with a friendly
    Disney character costume. Generous insulation and bright, stain resistant
    colors would help to insure that the occupant remains warm inside and cheerful
    outside. As there are so many different characters, each more...

    Jesus and the Elves

    Hot 4 years ago

    And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused
    wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped
    him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no
    room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds
    and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior,
    which is Christ the Lord."
    "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be
    strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as
    religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols
    were not allowed to land or even hover.
    "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a
    Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright
    idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?"
    he said, eager to avoid more...

    Amazing Pig

    Hot 4 years ago

    A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."
    The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
    Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"
    The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."
    The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"
    The farmer says more...

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