One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar. The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery.
Presently, a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.
As she passed them she turned, smiled, and said: "Good morning father, good morning father." Nodding and addressing each of them individually.
They were both stunned; how in the world were they recognized as priests?
They went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits and again they settled on the beach in their chairs more...
By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF: You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. You don't know what a moon pie is. You've never had an RC cola. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. You have no idea what a polecat is. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. You don't have bangs. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. You would rather have your son become a more...
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
the largest ball of twine.
Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Not have eight children at once.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
chain or rope for a belt.
Spend my more...
This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.
My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...