Guests Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two uninvited guests slipped through security and crashed the state dinner at the White House Tuesday night. Today apologies were issued by Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi.
You Know You Are at a Maffia Wedding When..."
Everybody is kissing the hand of some old guy in the corner
The guests refer to the Meadowlands as the graveyard
The majority of the guests arrive in bigger limos then the wedding party
New York cops have cleared all the streets in a five block radius to make the guests feel comfortable
Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I. Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I. Q. is."200, 000" replies the first guest."Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I. Q.?"The new guest responds with "250"."Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile. Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I. more...
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? Paul Lynde: He's out of town
2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie,' What's The Matter With Helen?' Who plays Helen? Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question
3. What are' dual-purpose cattle' good for that other cattle aren't? Paul Lynde: They give milk. .. and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies
4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him
6. Robert Young recently stated,' I never, never give. ..' something to his fans who ask for it. What? Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy
7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one more...
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?"
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof distain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly more...
After a party, the guests discussed how far they needed to travel before they could reached their beds. One particularly drunk guest said, "I'm the nearest." A few other guests muttered: "No, the host is the nearest." The drunk guest mumbled: "Not so. He has to walk all the way to his bedroom. All I have to do is to collapse on the floor here."