Guests Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Shotgun Weddings

    Hot 10 months ago

    (From an article in the Globe & Mail, Jul 26, written by Bryan Johnson, in
    Pakistan:)
    First [he] tells of a pilot who spotted tracer bullets as he approached
    a runway in Northern Pakistan. So the pilot swung around and approached
    the runway from the other end only to find bullets winging by there too.
    So he tried to land on a road and cracked up.
    From whence came the bullets? Afghan rebels? Terrorists? No,
    just "one hell of a wedding party." In the Peshawar region, wedding
    guests can rent an AK-47 for a day for $2 or the use of a water buffalo.
    With tragic results. In one case, "jubilant" cousins accidentally
    "blasted away" the bridegroom's father. The wedding was postponed for 40
    days of mourning, then again celebrated amid "ecstatic volleys of flying
    lead."
    In another wedding in the region, shots from a wedding severed
    high tension electrical wires, the falling wires more...

    Priceless

    Hot 5 years ago

    Prelim explanation:
    It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
    As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
    He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
    After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best more...

    Hi Erma,

    This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

    By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

    Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the more...

    A blonde at the front desk of a hotel checks in and tells the manager she's only staying for one night. She pays the manager, gets a room key, and heads upstairs.
    Later throughout that night, guests call the front desk complaining that a blonde woman had been walking into their rooms, eating their food, using their bathrooms, sleeping on their beds and watching tv. The manager immediately knows who the culprit is and calls the blonde woman who had checked in earlier.
    When she comes downstairs the manager says, "
    Look ma'am, the other guests don't appreciate you walking into their rooms and using their stuff. I would like to ask you to stop."
    The blonde looks totally confused. "
    But I don't understand. It's what I paid for isn't it?"
    Now it was the manager's turn to be confused. "
    Ma'am, what are you talking about?"
    "
    Well,"
    the blonde says, "
    your sign out front said 'All Rooms are 50 Dollars.' more...

    A Cat's Guide: TRAINING YOUR HUMAN
    CHAIRS AND RUGS:
    If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
    DOORS:
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.
    After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
    GUESTS:
    Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath.
    For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black wool clothing.
    For the guest who claims, "I love more...

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