Germans Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of
him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..." The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"

Q: How does a German eat mussels
A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*. .. AUFMACHEN! !!
Q: What`s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.
Belgium`s national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany`s best comedian?
A: Only the first one can make you smile.
Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake?
A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!
Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini?
A: About 25000 if you`ve got a shovel
Heard about the new more...

BONN, Germany (Reuter) -- Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday. The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday. Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them." Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather?" said one Herr Schwein.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant`s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team`s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering more...

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her;
I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind.
Can more...

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
‘Of course, my son, ’ said the priest.
‘Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her. ’
‘That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess, ’ said the priest.
‘It’s worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic by giving me a little nookie now and then, ’ continued the old man.
‘Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk –you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly, ’ said the priest.
‘Thanks, Father, ’ said the old man. ‘That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another more...