Gates Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven."
The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too."
The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.
"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."
So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.
Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.
"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretences. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.
The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really 'are'Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. more...
Here's some advice Bill Gates dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they would not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1
Life is not fair-get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes - more...
There are five people on a plane that's crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, ''God bless me!'' Bill Gates jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my bank account!'' Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my team!'' Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and the New York Rangers!'' The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, ''God bless me and the people I land on!''
According to Computing, quoting (of all things) Ladies Home Journal:
Bill Gates was being treated to a McDonald's by billionaire investor Warren Buffett during a 1995 visit to Beijing.
At the cashier's, the pair scrabbled around and both produced money-off vouchers they'd brought with them.
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there`s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No" the man`s distant voice replies anxiously.
"They are trying to resuscitate me."
Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair. He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?" Three guys step foreward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew. Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown. First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900. 00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor, and $300 for me" "Great ", says PeterNext the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that "These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence, in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art!" The price...$3, 000. I'll need more...