Eight Jokes / Recent Jokes

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...

Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9. 69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
' Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss more...

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the more...

Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater more...

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim? An octopuss!

Santa heard his son reciting his homework:
"Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'" "Shut up !" shouted furoius Santa. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords".
"But, Dad," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Santa went right into the classroom to complain.
"Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. Square dancers do everything in groups of eight.

Deer hunting season is coming up... Here are the secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.

1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am -' 'Click''.
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison more...