Customer Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into alumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office andsaid, "We need some four-by-twos."The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meanttwo-by-fours.""All right. How long do you need them?"The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better gocheck."After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,"A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage."This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate."He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful."That's fantastic," said the customer."And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem."Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch more...

A man walks in to the local pub holding a medium sized box. He places the box on the bar, takes a seat and asks the bar tender "if I show you something amazing, will you give me a free pint" the bar tender thinks for a while and agrees. The customer gently removes the lid of the box to reveal a small man playing away at a classical piano. The bar tender begins to pour a pint and asks in amazement "where did you get that" the customer responds "just outside the pub, I found a dented lamp in the rubbish, I rubbed it and out came a gene who granted me only one wish". The bar tender handed over the pint and asked "may I have the lamp so I could also have a wish". The customer didn't respond but smiled and put the lamp on the bar. The bar tender rubbed the lamp and out came a gene, "you have awaken me from me sleep, if you let me rest I will let you have one wish" the bar tender quickly says "I wish I had a million bucks" suddenly more...

A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun.
"Can I help you sir?, asked the shopkeeper".
Ah, yes...I want to buy a .44 Magnum please.
The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what he's going to use it for.
The man replies, "I want to shoot cans!"
What? Cans! You don't need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.
The customer has enough and finally says, "Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag...I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause more...

I highly doubt this is true, but it's a funny read. This is apparently a true story which occurred very recently in the Telecom Call Centre in Lower Hutt.

The Operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance. The call went like this:

Telecom: How may we help you?

Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Telecom: Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls please.

Telecom: Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer: This one does.

Telecom: What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer: A mobile. I tell you more...

Impressed by the impeccable cleanliness of the restaurant, the customer summoned his waiter over to the table to compliment him.
"We take pride in our sanitary precautions," the waiter explained. "For example, the manager makes us carry a spoon, so we don't have to touch the food we serve, and we even have a string attached to our pants fly, so that we don't touch the zipper."
"But how do you get it back into your trousers?" the customer whispered.
"Don't know about the others," the waiter replied, "but I use my spoon."