Counsel Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    (Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)

    SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

    Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
    10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998

    Good evening.

    This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

    I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

    Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...

    A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
    "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
    "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
    "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?"
    "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.
    "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
    "Yes," Replied the farmer.
    Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer more...

    A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim."I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company."Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head."You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?""Yeah, but" stammered the farmer."A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly."Yes," Replied the farmer.Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said."Certainly," replied the farmer. more...

    My wife received a copy of the following at her law firm. It purports to be
    true. For those of you who don't know, a "deposition" is a transcript of
    pre-trial testimony. These transcripts tend to be thick documents.
    To: all attorneys
    Subject: Depositions and Their Use
    A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed
    with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on
    Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although
    the use of a deposition of a party opponent "for any purpose" is also in the
    federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this
    exchange:
    The Court: Next witness.
    Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the
    head with his client's deposition.
    The Court: You mean read it?
    Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to
    Rule 32, I more...

    [This is supposed to be an actual court transcript. -- remember, you found it on the Internet!]]

    To: All Staff Attorneys Subject: Depositions and Their Use

    A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent' for any purpose' is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:

    The Court: Next witness.

    Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.

    The Court: You mean read it?

    Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition' for any purpose' and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.

    The Court: Well, it does say more...

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