Evidence Jokes

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    ' 'Squawks'' are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem, (S) = Solution

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
    (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

    (P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
    (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

    (P) Something loose in cockpit.
    (S) Something tightened in cockpit.

    (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    (S) Evidence removed.

    (P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
    (S) Volume set to more believable level.

    (P) Dead bugs on more...

    (Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)

    SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

    Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
    10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998

    Good evening.

    This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

    I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

    Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...

    'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
    yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
    was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
    species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
    suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant
    to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
    philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.
    Nicholas.
    The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
    accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations
    of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My
    conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about
    to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous
    exterior more...

    "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.
    (Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)
    From the "squawk sheets":
    Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
    Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
    Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
    Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
    Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
    Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
    Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
    Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
    Solution: "IT DOES NOW"
    Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
    Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
    Problem: more...

    A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of prospective jurers the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence.
    The farmer responded, "No way in hell could I do that!!"
    The attornery asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.
    "Well sir," the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry.
    "Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to more...

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