Investigation Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The following is a list of dead people connected to Bill Clinton. Please
    note the following breakdown of causes, and then think about the statistical possibility of their being random occurrences (especially the plane crashes):
    1. James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an
    apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key
    witness in Ken Starr's investigation.
    2. Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a
    Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she
    was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
    3. Vince Foster - Former White House counselor, and colleague of Hillary
    Clinton at Little Rock's Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the
    head, ruled a suicide.
    4. Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former Democratic National
    Committee Chairman. Reported to have died more...

    (Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)

    SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

    Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
    10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998

    Good evening.

    This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

    I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

    Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...

    I heard the basic story and indicated commentary on a local radio news
    program. Additional commentary is mine.
    Reported on WCDR, Cedarville, Ohio, on 22 August 1996:
    "No, that isn't a new speed bump. Highway workers in an Ohio county
    recently paved over a dead deer laying on the edge of the road.
    When asked why they did it, the manager of their garage said that they
    didn't see it. The mayor of a nearby town said that the deer had been
    laying there for about three weeks.
    "The Director of the Ohio Highway Department said that it is not the
    state's policy to pave over carcasses in the road."
    And then the reporter's commentary:
    "Not the state's policy? Does this mean this has happened before?"
    And my (imaginary) follow-up story:
    The game warden for that area, when he learned of the incident, began an
    investigation to see if the highway workers had engaged in poaching. When
    he learned that the paving more...

    Office of Investigation of Unfair Internet Humor List Hiring Practices
    Bureau for Explaining that What Happens on "The X-Files" is Not Real
    Dept. of Chinese Nuclear Technology (formerly Dept. of Defense)
    Why Pork Chops Are Shaped Like South America Dept.
    Official Judiciary Department In Determined Investigation To Uncover Deception Of Real Killers (O.J.D.I.D.I.T.U.D.O.R.K.)
    Bureau of Alcohol, Tabasco, and Fire Alarms
    Strom Thurmond Animation and Preservation Department
    Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Monster Trucks, Body Piercing and Jerry Springer
    Department of Annexation: Because those darned Canadians can't hold out forever.
    Department of Empty Public Gestures
    Th. Off. Gov't Dept. o. Abbrv.
    Federal Mime Protection Program
    Department of Internet Security and Censo... **NO CARRIER**
    and my favourite unknown government department:
    Committee Rationalizing Appropriate Propagation Of Long Acronyms (CRAPOLA)

    The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the more...

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