Costs Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is the Information Superhighway?
A: It's just like the internet, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
you can't post and there's no killfile.
there's no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs
rec.humor.funny has a laugh track.
there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
everything is formatted to 40 columns for TV's.
the free software costs you $2.00/megabyte to ftp, more for long distance.
A: It's just like cable TV, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
the picture isn't as good.
there's 500 channels of Pay-per-View and home-shopping.
you can watch any episode of Gilligan's Island or any Al Gore speech for only $2.00.
no public access channels.
there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: It's just like renting videos, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
there's only 1/100th as many to choose from.
no porno.
there's no pause, fast-forward, or rewind, and it costs
you another $3.95 if you want to watch more...

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why, does the parrot cost so much?", asks the first man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer." The man then asks about the next parrot. He is told that this one costs $1000, because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot. He is told that it costs $2000. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember... is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS more...

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1, 000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4, 000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I''''ve never seen her do a thing, but the other two call her Senior Partner

NBC is cutting programming costs. Last week the struggling network laid off 500 employees including several cast members of "Heroes." The show will now be called "Hero."

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.
"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

If architects had to work like programmers. . . Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite more...