Owner Jokes

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    Doctors V. Gun Owners

    Hot 6 months ago

    Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
    Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
    Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
    Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
    Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
    Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188
    Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
    dangerous than gun owners!

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver more...

    When You Care Enough...

    Hot 5 years ago

    A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
    They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
    When the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said.
    "Madam, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
    "Congratulations on your new location".

    The Pastor's Last Stand

    Hot 4 years ago

    A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale." Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!" The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the countryside.Suddenly, more...

    Voodoo Dick

    Hot 5 years ago

    Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.
    "Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."
    But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
    "Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."
    And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the more...

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