Computing Jokes / Recent Jokes
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Alternate products include Bridge-Environoment-Eradication-Resolution (BEER) and Benign-Orderly-Overload-System-Enhancer (BOOSE). Administer the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted more...
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.""No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, more...
This is about a guy who revealed himself as the biggest stupidass on a major international game site. His nickname was PolleZZ. At some point some other players took the nickname Webmaster and sent him a message, saying that there was a system update going on and that in order to keep his game statistics and player history intact, he had to reply stating his userid and password. The dork immediately did so, giving away his password (it was 1234512345). They used it then to spy on his games (making him lose all his games) and to submit moronic messages on the message boards on his behalf. Only weeks later he discovered this (not by himself in fact), so he changed his password. But then, some time later again, at some point he told someone which was his favorite soccer team (the Belgian team Anderlecht) and this turned out to be his new password! So they got it again because he gave it away a second time! By the way, in real life PolleZZ has a fat ass (literally) (a friend of his told more...
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the more...
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."