Bible Jokes / Recent Jokes

Authorities in northern Cyprus believe they have found an ancient version of the Bible, written in Syriac, a dialect of the native language of Jesus. Historians and Theologians are giddy with excitement after reading the following prophecies that could only have been written by Jesus himself:
1) Do not get Judas anything for Christmas.
2) Scandals are great, but not so much in the snow.
3) Why am I still writing “B.C.” on my checks?
4) Hair decisions………….Ponytail, or Fabio??

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard more...

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. That would be Pharaoh's daughter, who went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought down the house.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out of their garden?
A. They raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. He said, "Your mother ate us out of house and home."
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. What do they call pastors in more...

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of more...

there were three guys in an airplane. One was an army guy, the other was a priest, and the other one was a weight lifter. The plane was falling, so the pilot asked them each to throw something off. the army guy threw off a grenade, the priest threw off a bible, and the weight lifter threw off a weight. The plane was still falling so they all jumped off. The three of them were walking when they saw an old lady crying. They asked her why she was crying and she said she got hit in the head with a weight. they all left feeling sorry. Then they saw a man crying. they asked him why he was crying and he said he got hit in the head with a bible. this time they felt a little worried, but nonetheless they kept walking. this time they saw a little kid laughing really hard. they asked him why he was laughing, and he said he farted and his house blew up.

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? -Billy

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Love Mickey

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. -Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the more...

Here are some of the answers given in a bible knowledge test
1. The first book of the Bible is Guinness's in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple
2. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night
4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles
5. Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients
6. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments
7. The seventh commandment is, "thou shalt not admit adultery"
8. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol
9. Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines
10. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
11. The people who followed Jesus were called the 2 decibels
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles
13. One of the opossums was St. Matthew
14. Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrod's
15. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for more...