Bench Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Six Nights

    Hot 4 years ago

    A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
    The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
    "This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
    The woman agreed.
    "Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
    The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
    "Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
    The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

    Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

    Reincarnation

    Hot 3 years ago

    Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks the other: "Do you believe in reincarnation?"
    "Well, Joe," replies Harry, "I've never really thought much about it."
    "Maybe we ought to start thinking about it," says Joe. "One of us is going to go first. Let's agree that the one who is left behind will come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken."
    Harry agrees.
    One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep. Every week for several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00 a.m.
    Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though from afar.
    "Harry, Harry, can you hear me?" the voice says. "It's Joe."
    "Joe, for heaven's sake, what is it more...

    I heard these from my father, who heard them from a friend, etc.
    They're definitely not original.
    A young man is jogging through a park when he sees an old man sitting
    on a bench sobbing. Concerned, he stops by the bench. "Is there anything I can
    do for you, sir?"
    "Oh," sobs the old man, "everything's wonderful. I just married a
    gorgeous twenty-year old who'll do anything for me, and even my children love
    her. We have a beautiful house, a pool..."
    "So what's the matter?" the puzzled young man asks.
    "I can't remember where I live!"
    Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
    One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was
    standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just
    come up or was about to go down."
    The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was
    sitting on more...

    A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz. The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the drunk man and offered to buy this little outfit that he had. After a bit of negotiating, the drunk man agreed to sell it to the man more...

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