A little boy runs into the kitchen, crying.
His mother asks, "Johnny, why are you crying?"
Johnny cries, "Because daddy hit his thumb with
His mother says, "You shouldn't cry because
of that. You should *laugh*!"
Johnny breaks out in tears anew and says,
"But I *did*!"
A priest, a carpenter, and an army man all go up in a plane. The priest says lets all throw something out the window. So the priest starts by throwing a bible out the window. Then the carpenter throws a hammer out the window. Then the army man decides to throw a gernade out the window.
After they throw everything out window the priest goes down to see what happened. He goes up to a kid that is crying and asks him what happened. He says a bible fell down and hit him. Then the priest goes up to another kid thats crying and he asks what happend. The kid says a bible hit him. Then the priest goes up to an old man sitting in a lawn chair laughing and asks what happened.
The grandpa says I just farted and the building behind me blew up!
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring He replies:
"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab
driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts more...
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game; the optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of more...